Nah-KILLed.

Today I surrender the only thing that ‘s left tying me to that place. As walked out of that small room, I felt a little chill.. This is it! It’s time to go. Then I suddenly remember how it used to be the greatest of them all, how new and shining the days were… but maybe all things would really have to come to an end. So I’m just grateful… not all the days were rewarding but it had undeniably walked me through some years… I am just glad that I became a part of it. This time, no holding grudges.

And as they say “when one door closes, there opens another.”  And maybe opened wider…

Ask me. But. Not Now.

I am always surrounded with people older than me… Let’s say, more on “settling” age, so they have, they are; they will settle. SOON.  And right after it happened, right after they’ve created clips of plan rolling in their head, they would ask me the deadly question, “So when are you gonna get married?”

Boom! In the past 6 months, I was asked maybe around 18 times and last night would count as 19th or 20th. Answer: I do not know. I don’t really know ok? I wish I could just tell straight to that person asking that “Hey, do you know that this is the kind of question I would not want to face at the moment? So just please. Please mind your own business.”

Not because everyone’s tying the knot means that I should too. I have seen marriages that looked like it was the right thing to do at the moment, that just because one’s getting too old to wait around; or the woman’s pregnant.

I do not want to be an instant married woman for the same reason.  There were instances that I doubt. There are things that I am not yet sure of. There are issues that need to be resolved. There are plans that are yet to be made.  And most of all,  I think I still have a long way to go.

When I was young, I thought 2010 would be a big year for me. But just like a child who used to believe in fairytale, I have reached the point of understanding that life isn’t a love story played on film; that the happy ending should come before the 2-hour roll had lapsed.  I used to believe that I would see myself on that scene… till they started showing more realistic endings like that of Blue Valentine… LOL. Or should I say till I started considering that I could graciously carry the status SINGLE if I opt to.

So I hope that last night’s the last… for now.  I know I cannot stop people from asking… but maybe if they just could… Maybe someday.  Maybe not at all.

Because right now, I have a lot going on.. and there are some rediscovering that need to be done.

So in the mean time, let me give you a fixated goofy smile and by that I hope you get that I am not in the mood to answer your not-so-likely question… there is a RIGHT TIME for everything; especially things that are as LIFE-DEFINING as this.

Every ending is just a beginning.

Today is the last day of the first month of 2011.

8% of the whole year had passed. How have you been? How’s that new year resolution going? For years, I would come up with one, but this year, I didn’t have one.

2010 ended on a gloomy sky. There will come a time that you will lose something that fuels your everyday life. On December 19th of last year was the “D” day for me. It shouldn’t really be a surprise, I was given more than two years to prepare for it; but I guess when it is something that would bring you down, no preparation is enough. I was worried. It was dark. I cried.

Today I look at that same day differently. It was a calling. Time to reflect.  Time to appreciate things that seem so usual; and most of all value and know that what you have is worth a thank you note above.

Today I could send a big balloon to the sky.  It would represent my belief that no horizon is too high… Because however deep we find ourselves buried to the ground, if you just have faith, you would still fly high.

So you. Yes you. See you at the top! 🙂

Pit Fall.

There are feelings that you can’t even put into words.
It’s been a long time since I have felt that…
That I ran out of words…
That my heart and mind falls into deep silence where no one could actually hear what it wants to say.

And I don’t know where those thoughts shall go… but one thing is for sure, I unexplainably love how it feels.

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

A Beautiful Mess

My current fave and I always find myself teary-eyed upon hearing this. I think I find the person that I am in this song. I’m such a beautiful mess.

Youve got the best of both worlds
Youre the kind of girl who can take down a man
And lift him back up again
 
You are strong but youre needy humble but youre greedy
Based on your body language and shorty cursive Ive been reading
Youre style is quite selective but your mind is rather reckless
Well I guess it just suggests that this is just what happiness is
 
Hey what a beautiful mess this is
Its like picking up trash in dresses
 
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you write
And kind of turn themselves into knives
And dont mind my nerve you can call it fiction
‘Cause I like being submerged in your contradictions dear
‘Cause here we are here we are
 
Although you were biased I love your advice
Your comebacks theyre quick and probably
Have to do with your insecurities
Theres no shame in being crazy depending on how you take these
Words they’re paraphrasing this relationship were staging
 
And its a beautiful mess yes it is
Its like we’re picking up trash in dresses
 
Well it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
Kind of turn themselves into blades
And the kind and courteous is a life Ive heard
But its nice to say that we played in the dirt
‘Cause here here we are here we are
 
Here we are here we are
Here we are here we are
Here we are here we are
Here we are we’re still here
 
And what a beautiful mess this is
Its like taking a guess when the only answer is yes

And through timeless words and priceless pictures
Well fly like birds not of this earth
And tides they turn and hearts disfigure
But thats no concern when were wounded together
And we tore our dresses and stained our shirts
But it’s nice today oh the wait was so worth it